i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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