In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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