I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
