good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
