I think my fart just growled at me.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
