Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
