I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
