yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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