So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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