He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
