Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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