She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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