Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
