Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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