I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
