i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
