I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
