the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
