my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
