Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
