Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
So gin and wine won't be happening again
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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