I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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