Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
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Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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