seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
