I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
