i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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