i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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