Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
