I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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