shes about as inviting as chlamydia
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
