What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
