that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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