cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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