did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
