ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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