the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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