so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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