was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i want to swaddle you in tequila
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
