better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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