I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
