I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
