I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You dont lie about slip and slides
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
