Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
