Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
