no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
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