I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
