sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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