i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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