And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Randomize
