I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
