my phone needs a breathalizer
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
