Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
