Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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