somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
