Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
