yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
