Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Randomize
