You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
