I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
