We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
that may or may not have been my penis.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
